I think about 2014 a lot.
It was the year I really started racing, the year I first BQ'd, the year I didn't have an apartment that was the centerpiece of any social word, the year my friendships changed.
I think about 2014 because I was so ecstatic to finish races the way I did. I never really let myself down, and there were no expectations. I believed, fully, that, if I ran at a 7 minute pace over a distance, it was far faster than most, and that was worth cheering for. I remember finishing Brooklyn and just throwing my hands up in the air. That joy I haven't felt, unrestrained, on a race in a long time, and I'm working to get back there.
But. The rest of 2014 was pretty painful. I can go back and look on this very site, but, I had holes in my ceiling, I was depressingly stuck in loops of online dates, and I once picked up a teddy bear off the sidewalk after coming home from a bar because I just wanted a stuffed animal to hold onto. (yeah...)
I say all this to say, I should stop wishing for the fleeting moments of joy I had in my 2014 races. That stuff was fun, but to get back to it, the rest of life would have to fall back to where it was. I am enjoying my training a lot these days, and racing will either come back, or it won't and I'll still be happy with my life.
And that's what makes all the difference.